Openers:

• Virender “Why is Jaffer here? To breath down my neck?.. I can bowl.. Can he bowl?” Sehwag
• Sachin “I should do well in SA .. no McGrath there” Tendulkar
• Wasim “Why am I here? If I fail in the ODIs, would I be jeopardizing my test chances?” Jaffer

Middle Order:

• Rahul “what is happening to this team? Aren’t we sticking to the process enough?” Dravid
• Mohammad “For a change, I don’t feel guilty for keeping Laxman out.. that’s Raina’s job now” Kaif
• Suresh “why is Jaffer here? yeah Kaif is right.. I admit it.. I’m guilty for keeping Laxman out” Raina

Sunday’s game at Mohali between India and Australia is a virtual quarter-final. Here are some thoughts on what some of the cricketers in action would be hoping to do in that game.

Sachin Tendulkar needs 97 runs to complete 25,000 runs in international cricket. If he gets to do that in this game, India would be better placed to reach the semis. Also, his record against McGrath and Co. in recent times hasn’t been that great - scores of 5, 8, 27, 12 and 4 in his last 5 innings against the world’s best should hurt his pride. He would be real keen on setting the record straight on what is supposed to be an Aussie-friendly pitch.

Anyone else who thinks that six games, pitting Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, West Indies & Zimbabwe to find out who the best two are, is pretty pointless?

If the ICC had a cut-off of eight teams for the ICC Champions Trophy, why didn’t they just pick the first eight teams in the list and get the competition moving, rather than an extra stage?

At no point of time in the history of the ICC’s rankings have Bangladesh or Zimbabwe come anywhere close to the top 8.

(Cross-posted on The Match Referee)

So our good friend Shoaib Akhtar has been busted taking banned substances. Namely, an anabolic steroid named nandrolone. This performance enhancing concoction may be new to cricket, but I’m sure you would have heard of the myriad of other high-profile names banned for using the substance (remember sprinter Ben Johnson). What’s more, Shoaib’s opening bowling partner, Mohammad Asif, has also tested positive for the same substance.

For England’s sake, I certainly hope not. For some strange and completely bewildering reason England value Ashley Giles to such an extent that they have taken him along as a “non-playing member” to the Champions Trophy in India.

Giles is so pumped up about his chances for The Ashes, he blurts, “If I am happy with how I am bowling, even in net practice, I am willing to take on a Test match every time”. I mean, seriously - grow up! He should know by now the immense difference between feeling good in the nets and replicating that in a pressure cooker Test match.