(Cross-posted on The Match Referee)

So our good friend Shoaib Akhtar has been busted taking banned substances. Namely, an anabolic steroid named nandrolone. This performance enhancing concoction may be new to cricket, but I’m sure you would have heard of the myriad of other high-profile names banned for using the substance (remember sprinter Ben Johnson). What’s more, Shoaib’s opening bowling partner, Mohammad Asif, has also tested positive for the same substance.

For England’s sake, I certainly hope not. For some strange and completely bewildering reason England value Ashley Giles to such an extent that they have taken him along as a “non-playing member” to the Champions Trophy in India.

Giles is so pumped up about his chances for The Ashes, he blurts, “If I am happy with how I am bowling, even in net practice, I am willing to take on a Test match every time”. I mean, seriously - grow up! He should know by now the immense difference between feeling good in the nets and replicating that in a pressure cooker Test match.

The Pakistan government is considering changing the name of the cricket board and the cricket team. Sources reveal that they have two options:

• Ctrl-z-istan and Ctrl-z-istan Cricket Board
• Undostan and Undostan Cricket Board

The decision will be revealed before the team plays its first game in the ICC Champions Trophy.

The government is looking at an urgent name change following the PCB’s decision to name Younis Khan as captain exactly two days after he quit as Inzamam’s stand-in.

If Mohammad Yousuf knew Tamil, he’d appreciate the saying Kai-ku yettinadhu vaaiku yettama pochu, approximately translated as “So near, yet so far”.

As a result of the pitiful ban he copped after his team’s “protest” at The Oval in August following an accusation of tampering with the ball, the Pakistan Cricket Board decided to replace Inzamam-ul-Haq with Faisal Iqbal for the ICC Champions Trophy.

But, this means Inzamam will not be able to play if Pakistan reaches the final, even though he’d have served out a four match ban. Inzamam’s ban would only be done and dusted with after the semi-final stage. My guess is that even if Pakistan ensures shows that one of the players got injured during the tournament, they still can’t get a replacement. I think replacements are only allowed if an injury was sustained to a member of the 14-man squad before the tournament.

“Who writes your scripts?” asked Graham Gooch to Ian Botham once. Well, who writes theirs?

I bet you thought you would not see greater drama than that. Ha ha - now watch the sequel!

These are moments when you feel Pakistan cricket administration is indeed a virtual world inside the ‘Matrix‘ as against the real world where all the cricket is being played, watched and loved. From the same perspective this latest episode was its ‘Reloaded’ (Younis) and ‘Revolutions’ (Youhana) sequels rolled in one.
 

Apologies for that misnomer of a post title. We bow to thee, Neo-nis.